EU in Shambles, Little Hope of Recovery

By JOHN SUNUNU, AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE

PARIS, France — Agence France-Presse reports live from the site of a fiery debate in the European Union committee at Harvard National Model United Nations 2015 that threatens to derail all alleged progress that the body has made over the last several days. According to the delegate of one Eastern European nation who otherwise wished to remain anonymous, shoddy leadership governing the body prompted what little headway the European Union had made to grind to a screeching halt before entering a period of regression.

Ineffective leadership paralyzes substantive ideas from taking form in the European Union.

Although the European Union debated best practices to delineate and implement a comprehensive immigration reform policy, their resultant plan not only reached a tenuous consensus but also left gaping legislative holes that non-European Union member states were later able to exploit.  Following a series of worrisome accusations by Turkey and Ukraine to illegally send an “unrestrained flow of immigrants” into the Schengen Area should their interests not be codified in the body’s final resolution, the member states of the European Union devolved into a state of panic.

“The triage system we had envision for sorting and tracking immigrants into the Schengen Zone will no longer be a sufficiently strong solution in the face of these new threats,” lamented one delegate. Other delegates expressed similarly pessimistic opinions, noting that the suggested triage system was both lambasted as “racist” by a number of non-western countries and would not be sufficiently tough so as to stem the flow if illegal immigrants.

Moreover, the European Union voted to significantly increase the funding allocated to and the scope of powers awarded to Frontex, the Schengen Zone’s current border patrol agency. Not all representatives were content with this development however. One Central European country speaking on the condition of anonymity bemoaned “the increased control given to external border control agencies” and explained to our reporters how she feared the development of a “nanny state” within the confederation.

Further confirmation of the ineffective and naïve nature of these policies occurred late yesterday evening when reporters at Agence France-Presse were able to confirm the infiltration of European Union borders by more than two dozen current members of the Islamic State rebel terrorist group, more commonly known as ISIS. In conjunction with the United Kingdom’s Scotland Yard and France’s Quai d’Orsay intelligence forces, our reporters have linked these illegal immigrants to a number of recent killings across the greater London metropolitan region.

Until the deplorable security situation in the European Union improves, Agence France-Pressse urges all potential travelers to the region to avoid any and all non-essential travel.

The European Union meets for its final session of this term today in the Arlington Room on the fourth floor of the Boston Marriott Copley Place Hotel.